Ho un problema che mi angoscia e finché non l'avrò risolto, temo, non riuscirò a pensare ad altro. Non è un fatto di denaro, anche se arriveranno presto l'assicurazione e il bollo auto ad alleggerirmi il conto in banca. Non è un cruccio di lavoro, non è una questione familiare, gli amici di me parlano bene (e se non è così sono bravi a farmi credere il contrario) e sono un po' di giorni che quando suona il telefono di casa... rispondo, perché il peggio che mi possa succedere è dover rifiutare una damigiana d'olio ligure in offerta. Solo il suono del campanello mi fa trasalire perché potrebbero essere i carabinieri o l'ufficiale giudiziario con un'altra busta verde, ma non è questo il punto.
Ho una sensazione strana che definire spiacevole è il meno. Potrei dire una mancanza, una perdita, una lacuna, un'assenza che ho l'urgenza di colmare ma non posso perché mi manca la sostanza: dov'è finito quel maledetto quadretto di cioccolata al latte, l'ultimo, che avevo appoggiato lì sul tavolo con il proposito che l'avrei finito dopo?
Pare un minuto fa - ma potrebbe essere passato un quarto d'ora - che lo stringevo in mano pronto a portarlo alla bocca e poi, distratto, l'ho posato sapendo che l'avrei facilmente ritrovato. E invece non c'è più, mentre un presentimento cupo, sotto forma di domanda, si fa strada nella mente: non avrò mica l'Alzheimer? So che il morbo arriva in là con gli anni, ma so anche che proprio l'altro giorno mi sono dimenticato un appuntamento, sintomo palese dell'Alzheimer giovanile. La domanda diventa certezza: ho l'Alzheimer. E poi terrore: ho l'Alzheimer!
Mentre vago per la casa alla ricerca del mio quadratino marrone mi preoccupo di far sì che i miei cari non debbano sopportarmi troppo a lungo nel mio percorso demenziale. Ci sono, farò come gli eschimesi anziani che si allontanano sui ghiacci: quando sarà ora sparirò e - avendo l'Alzheimer - state certi che non troverò la strada del ritorno. Siete avvisati: se scompaio non cercatemi.
Faccio le prove di memoria e trovo motivo di sollievo perché il nome della mia compagna di banco delle medie lo ricordo ancora (e chi se la dimentica?) così del mio cervello che degenera per ora non mi dolgo. Per diventare demente ho tutto il tempo che mi serve, in questo momento la priorità è un'altra: se solo avessi quel pezzetto di cioccolato al latte!
Un medico, chissà, potrebbe confortarmi nella teoria che ho improvvisato per spiegare questi casi: mi immagino che la mente - incauta - trasmetta allo stomaco l'informazione che quel pezzetto di cioccolato esiste ed è pronto per essere mangiato. Poi - volubile e distratta - se ne dimentica, ma lo stomaco - materialista - se lo ricorda bene tanto che si è allargato un pelo, quanto basta per far posto al quadratino ed ora che tutto è pronto - giustamente - lo reclama inviando precise istruzioni alla gola che incomincia a salivare. Dove sei finito quadratino? Ripercorro gli ultimi movimenti alla ricerca dello scomparso, ma non ricordo di averlo posato in un altro luogo che non sia: lì. Dove ora non c'è più. Chiedo scusa agli affamati, a tutti quelli che la cioccolata non l'hanno vista mai, nemmeno da lontano, ma in questo momento io ho bisogno di quel quadretto (proprio quello, un altro pezzo mi lascerebbe del tutto insoddisfatto) per placare la mia angoscia.
Lo cerco ancora, quasi rassegnato, finché la soluzione del mistero mi compare a due metri di distanza: un piccolo ometto biondo con due baffi disegnati che parrebbero proprio di cioccolato. Ieri al tavolo non ci arrivava (giuro!) dev'essere cresciuto questa notte.
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Aspetta, anche se non posso ancora uscire, mi sono tenuto in allenamento facendo i compiti per la psicologa e l’ho anche chiamata ieri verso le 17 dopo che stefanauz con la sua citazione latina ha bruciato due mesi di pensione. La tua angoscia è però emersa a posteriori e quindi non abbiamo un suo parere. Condivido la situazione. Hai provato dubbio, smarrimento, paura, un calo pressorio, incredulità, gioia, tanta gioia, euforia al massimo. Sono passati più di venti anni e io ne porto ancora i segni nel fisico, oltre che nella psiche. Avevo un pomeriggio libero e così cercavo di aiutare mia moglie. Mentre lei stirava nella stanzetta, ho preso tutto quello che era necessario. Uno, due, per mamma, per papà, per il nonno, TIC. Aveva fatto TIC . Il cucchiaino aveva battuto sul primo dentino. Mamma, corri, ha un dentino …. E dopo? Da quella sera nel lettone siamo stati in tre e ci siamo rimasti in tre per alcuni anni. Chissenefrega se era sbagliato, chissenefrega se da allora mi è rimasto il mal di schiena.
Charles Dickens ha detto: "Ci vogliono venti anni a una donna per fare del proprio figlio un uomo, e venti minuti a un'altra donna per farne un idiota". non so perché mi sia venuta in mente. ma appena trovo il collegamento, ve lo dico.
Venti MINUTI mi sembrano tanti...
tranquillo, non è alzaimer, sono i figli che crescono.Vedrai :avevi messo lì quella penna e non la trovi più, le forbici avevano un loro posto e ad un certo punto non ci sono più forbici in casa; allora provi a chiedere a marito e figli ma nessuno sa niente:mai viste nè adoperate forbici.Poi, un giorno che fai ordine(in camera dei figli), trovi le forbici sotto una pila di libri. A quel punto fai le tue rimostranze e ti senti rispondere:"Ma sei fuori?"A quel punto ti chiedi: "Ma chi è 'sto alieno, da dove salta fuori?"Io ti aspetto al varco quando ti sentirai rispondere per la prima volta :"Ma sei fuori?"
Ciao !
Bella anche la tua storia, GallOOOh, ciao anche a te.
Io invece ho la teoria che ci sia un buco nero in ogni casa, sai quelli che ingoiano la materia e nessuno sa dove poi fa a finire?? Ecco, a volte il buco nero può essere la panciotta di un figlio. :-)
a proposito di memoria, di ricordi perduti, vorrei suggerire ad ansel (ma ovviamente anche a tutti gli altri fedeli bloggisti) la lettura de "la camera chiara" di roland barthes. un intellettuale che ha scritto molto, moltissimio, e che al tema della memoria, delle sue implicazioni semiotiche e psicologiche ha dedicato molto.
ciauz!
si vede che oggi sono in vena di citazioni. paris hilton ha dichiarato: "non leggo mai i giornali. li sfoglio solo per vedere come sono venuta nelle fotografie".
stefanauz: le tue citazioni mi fanno venire in mente una mia lettura di tanti anni fa, cioè Selezione dal Reader's Digest, una rivista tradotta dall'inglese (penso) che ci arrivava a casa. Ebbene lì dentro c'era una rubrica che si chiamava citazioni citabili. Non è che ne hai qualche annata nella tua libreria... Poi c'era un'altra rubrica che - se non erro - si chiamava ridete e starete sani... eh eh eh! La mia cultura letteraria (è triste ammetterlo!) si è formata lì sopra... oltre che su Famiglia Cristiana dove la mia rubrica preferita era (spero di non sbagliare) il Fatto del Giorno, cioè una pagina dove le notizie erano spiegate con un disegno (spesso molto drammatico, tipo un serbpente che esce dalla lavatrice o cose del genere) e una semplice didascalia...
Ma Selezione esiste ancora???
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